Bstyle

"only child"

2006-11-14T07:18:00.000Z

Before I say anything I'd like to say that I am the only offspring of my parents and everything I say here is my personal opinion and people may not agree with me but its just something that I have wanted to share for a while now..

Now before any one of you start thinking what a selfless "only child" you were, or start agreeing with the disgustingly selfish "only child" you knew in school, I'd like to say that I'm talking about something that is relative. I mean everyone is selfish to a slight extent. We do think about ourselves a lot and what we like and don't like. So everyone's entitled to be a little selfish. But what I'm talking about here is the way the "only child" views things. That I think is a personal trait and I know many kids who have siblings but are known to be more demanding than others. But when you have one child the kid grows up being a little bit more possessive about his/ her things than the other kids around. I'll tell you a little incident about myself and how I learnt to recognize the possessive streak in me. This was the time when I was at college. My Dad told me that my cousin Bev was going to be living with us because her parents were having time out from each other and they couldnt handle their children. Both my parents were in praises about how lovely it was going to be to have a little sister around. How they were SO WRONG!! You see all my life I have had my parents all to myself and for the strangest reasons took an instant dislike to this intruder whom I hardly talked too or knew for that matter. For the next couple of months all I heard was Bev did this and Bev did that and how well she behaved and how great she was. And I hated her more everyday and did my best not to talk to her or even make eye contact! One day I was annoying my dad so much he actually got Bev on his knee and just said "Bev your like my little girl!" WHAT!!!! I nearly had a heart attack... I actually attacked her and told her that my dad was not her dad and she was to back off!!! Remember this girl was like only 5 when she lived with us... I was at least 12! I was so ashamed of myself for being real mean to her all she wanted was a older sister to look up to.... And looking back I remember how awful I was.
But where do you draw the line for only childs? I had to when I came to New Zealand. I tell you it wasnt easy at first. Letting my boyfriend get close to MY parents.. Shesh I thought loads of things which werent true at all but I just realised it reminded me of when I had to share my parents with my cousin. I wasnt at all ready...
But I had to cross that boundary, that hurdle to get to this point. And I have always blamed my inability to share my parents easily on being an "only child".I think being an "only child" gives you the impression that certain things belong to you. It makes one a little bit more possessive about things, about people, than anyone else. I try my hardest to be a little less possessive about the people I love. But it is a habit that is difficult to unlearn. I still get mad when people borrow books, CDs, DVDs and then just "forget" to return them. I don't mind lending them as long as people give it back to me and I can put things where they belong. Everyone thinks I'm too possessive about everything (which includes him) and is always teasing me about being a "spoilt child". Well may be that is true. Just a little bit. But don't ever tell him that I said that.The other thing that bothers me about people having single childs these days is that it takes away some beautiful relations that we were fortunate to have in our lives. I grew up basking in the affection of my parents and other close relatives. I never had grandparents because they were all dead before i could really get to know them! Thank goodness my parents had multiple brothers and sisters. I am blessed because I think in a way I didnt have a wonderful childhood as I would have wanted. But it makes up for it now because as I got older my life became more wonderful from a teenager till now! I always wanted a sibling or loads of brothers, like my other friends. Someone I could share my life with. Someone to stick up for me other than my parents!!!
I could of had a brother but he passed away before i was born. In a way I am sad but happy at the same time because I got my way and everything I asked for! haha I know I might sound a tad selfish but I enjoy the fact that my parents fuss over me.. I wouldnt have it any other way but maybe just a little less fussing over me might of helped me not go through so many tough times getting over my selfish and only child syndrome ways....

Ah well I know I turned out a little crazy. A little bit possessive about the people I love and care for... But whattodo. I blame it on being an "only child".

Dont get left behind!

2006-07-19T09:40:00.000+01:00

Its something that is controlling me and I cant find myself again. All I am seeing is lies and insecure things all around me.
Its confusing to know what is real these days. Are people really hurting? People falling to the ground trying to find themselves... People trying to be accepted by this world but no one cares. No one is looking or seeking for any attention anywhere.
Wounded and Torn from the truth.
The end is so near yet they blindly dont see whats in front of them. Turning their backs on this world. I dont blame them.
You see it all around you weather your near or far. Cries are getting louder and louder. Blood is dripping every second. Innocent lives are taken away. All because of the lust of Power.

Staring through your re-view.

2006-06-14T15:11:00.000+01:00

Multiple gun shots people dont stop.. They stopped caring in this world. I will never understand what this society is all about. First they try to lie to me.
Where always staring through our re-view mirror. I feel like screaming to God can he hear me?
Those words always are captured in alot of people minds.

Now you see them now your dont. Some people are there for a moment and then there gone!

If it dont at all make any sense then thats good because most people here try to make sense half the time and really its for a load of reasons why this is called a Blog..

Not writing made me realise how much there is more to life then just sitting here sharing my thoughts and feelings with you. I know its always good to catch up on alot of other peoples lives and to others its just a way of expression or a way of off loading.

For me I guess its a bit of both.

But just for the record. I'm slowly over the fact that my cousins dead but the memories will always be there. I can't just get on with life and forget about the life that once was walking on this earth. Its still there but I know I'll see him again.

Its very reassuring that I am going to see him again. Some people dont get that opportunity of seeing your loved one again.

So for Christians I guess its a bonus and a privledge to know and have peace that your gna see them again if they were saved from destruction and a life ruined by fire and pain!

Getting back to my main point. People always tend to look back and see whats around the corner or be intrested in whats walking behind you. Its a human thing I guess and everyone does it. You'd be stupid if u didnt because not being cautious about that you can't dictate what's going to happen to you. You could be taken in a split second.

So why am i ranting on about all this. Its fair to say that my mind escapes from time to time. Going to a hidden place where no one knows about. Its a place where either things make sense and are exciting and lovely or its things that work in rhymes and riddles. I'm trying to figure it all out but then it just more or less blows up in my face. Ever felt like that?

Understand a human mind can be tiring and understanding why you get into debating, insensitive moods about the most ridiculous things. Did you ever wonder and think why you react the way you do towards people? Or actually know why you became angry for no apparent reason. Can you truly understand yourself at all when you think a nasty thought about someone and it goes in your head round and round again because you have not delt with it in the first place.

What really gets to me is that people have a problem yet they dont admit it and deal with it. They always take the long way around about it all. Thats by getting in a mood with you. They have the audacity to treat you like a person that has some kind of skin disease and despise you in everyway. I know from both angles how that feels. I bet alot of people can relate to that. Its human nature. The jealousy kicks in and the protectiveness of our nature will always be there.

We all have feelings as people. God gave that to all of us. Feelings of being loved, being accepted, being happy and being sad. I am just using a few examples at the moment. But you see we dont like being hurt. We may read into things to much and its not at all how we imagined it to be. We may have been hurt by rejection. But really thats no excuse to treat anyone like shit! (excuse my french!) You know the deal.

I've just been thinking alot lately on how do I treat people? How am I affected my by moods? What kind of person am I shaping into? That is the question to all of us. Don't let our pride or arrogance get in the way of our lifes shaping in a good way or bad for that matter.
Get yourself sorted. ( I am always doing that haha!!!) But really seek help if your always in doubt of people or you dont trust them. Sort it out because I'm telling ya.. It will be so much harder to change your habbits when you get older.

But your not that stupid because you know when your addicted or love something more than God you dont just keep doing it. You try to change. Well try harder is my challenge to all of us. If your thinking "ah God will take it away". Then your still a bit in fairyland. He will take it away but with your help you can make the process alot faster than just asking God to do all your dirty work. You have to be willing to accept there is pain and know that your shaping into something that will be over it or will feed the cause.

I thought about it.. Why would someone marry you if you have all this baggage and your moody and your never pleased about anything? Gosh you would be a right B#$*@! aye? Not good. For girls guys would leave ya in a sec. Don't let pain shape your life! It's not worth it in the end you and maybe that person you were close to would be ruined. But I am sure you will have that chance to make it right.

Thats all really. My thoughts of today....

A Walking Miracle..... Dedicated to my couz Hona!!

2006-04-20T21:23:00.000+01:00

(This picture is of my Cousin Hona a day before he died!!!!)

This is yet another sad easter time that I have had to go through. But the healing is getting better. My cousin Hona died on the 13th April 2006 3:35am in the morning. It was a terrible morning because we had all the family staying over there. Because his parents were not to sure how long he would last. But I am just thankful that I got to spend a few days there seeing him not at his best but just holding his hand while he suffers breathing through the oxygen.
It was the most painfullest feeling ever knowing that someone so close and dear to you was going to die any day now.
I was really hurt and angry at God at first because I learnt in Kings Church that if u ask God for anything in his name and he will grant the request... Well I asked him to heal him and it obviously wasn't Gods wish. Then I think well maybe I didnt have enough faith..
So many thoughts going inside my head I am thinking what is the point in praying???
A few nights back before I went to spend the last 2 days with my family and Hona.. I couldnt sleep at all.. I kept tossing and turning every night.. This has gone on for the past week now.. It was only last night that I really got a good night sleep without waking up screaming and crying....
It's like I cant really let go and I know I have to but it hurts so much and I still think that God could raise him from the dead and I sometimes want to just have that faith but people have been telling me to just let go...
I really am trying and it just upsets me.. He was like a brother to me and its like I missed out 3 years while I was away and in some way I regret not spending more time with him.

Its just painful and I am still hurting loads. I mean my wish was that he might of been able to at least have a normal life on earth but he didnt get that chance.
He was so talented in so many ways and I know that God appointed him on this earth for a period of time. I guess I am just selfish and I wanted more for him and wanted him here with us.
He was the only christian that I knew that lived it to the fullest. Because of his sickness he didnt do half the things that I know I have done and others.. But he was the only one I knew that never touched alcohol,drugs, never got into fights and always praised God for his sickness..
Thats why its so painful he was so positive in so many ways and never let his sickness get the better of him...

I just wish sometimes that I could just be in heaven right now.. No more pain and suffering. It just makes sense. Ive had enough of this world.. Its nothing but corruption and disaster here on this earth.
I am probably sounding a bit depressing but I dont care. Im writing the story here and I just feel so bummed that my cousin has gone.
I know I should be praising God but its hard to. Its so hard. You have no idea loosing someone so close is just so hard to accept. But I got to and Im trying..
I miss him so much just thinking about him makes me cry. The last words I said to him was "couz you better not die on my birthday!" Im glad he didnt. But I did feel it the next day due to my birthday being on the 14th!! Ah not much of a birthday I might add. But I didnt feel like celebrating it because of my cousins death!!

You know.. That is the 3rd person who has died around my birthday.. It really sucks because each time my birthday comes up thats all I am left thinking about the death of my loved ones... Gutting aye? I think so... Would of been nice born maybe later on I reckon!

I forgot to tell you that when he was born the doctor only gave him 2 weeks to live and 21 years later he was still alive! I think I can say praise God to that!
Its just to hard.. I still cant really believe that he is dead really. Just to see his smiley face whenever I sore him and his laugh will always be in my head.. He was a great guy.. I dunno if I ever told you what he did for me when I came back to New Zealand the first year I was in England.
My cousins wanted to go out clubbing and that was my weakness when I was in my teens. Then he told my dad and mum to let me go (even tho i was at the right age!!) to let me go and he would look after me!!! He was half my size probably even smaller and he was real protective of me. He was definately my strength and he stuck with me the whole night. What a star.. He always looked out for our own good and always wanted the best for me and his sisters... He was very picky when they got b/f and when I told him about Alex... He just wanted to know if he treated me good and was a christian.. So Alex passed in that!!! But he just was so sweet.. In alot of ways I really thought about it and pretty much what Alex is good at he was... So I dont know its kinda comforting that in some things Alex does reminds me of him....

Please pray for the family.. Because my cousins are taking it real bad (his sisters!!) and especially his parents!! They lost their older daughter at the age of 7yrs. So history repeated itself!!!

Also pray for me as well that in due time we will not only get on with life but accept that Hona is not apart of it here on this earth anymore.. I look forward to heaven!! I really do..
Thanks for listening to my thoughts..
My cousins names are Maiaa, Becky, Ruth and Shayna... and my Uncle Johnny and Aunty Josie!!! Thanks.. I am sure they will appreciate your prayers as I know I will.....

Cousin... I will never forget how amazing you were as a cousin,brother as well as a friend! You always made things better with your wisdom and knowledge you had for such a young age. You really inspired me to go on with God and always kept me believing that God would heal you.. I know you are in a better place now but I really miss you and I think of you always.... Until I see you in heaven.. Say hello to tasha, nicky and the rest of the family!!! Love you always your other sis Bianca xxx

Taupo (NZ Lake!!)

2006-03-23T11:12:00.000Z

Hey guys well this was the Huka Falls.... Taupo's amazing rapids and waterfall... It was really cool seeing this sight again after so many years.. The speed this river was going was just un believeable.. It looks amazing when u watch the water go extremely fast. Makes your heart beat fast and wish you where going with the rapids... Ah its amazing you gotta see it to appreciate it!!

Well this is the famous Alex.. Dont he look good? It wasnt too bad although we were trying to not get caught in th rain it was off and on and very annoying because one minute we were cold then the next it was like summer.. It was almost like real typical English weather.. I guess God was making it more easier for Alex to enjoy so at least he could feel kinda home on his birthday... hahaha... But it was fun and we got some good weather to enjoy parts of the day...

This is random.. We were looking at the hottest spot in Taupo which was the very long walk around the park... With loads of steam coming from the ground and I just happened to see this rainbow in the sky and thought I'd take a pic of it... It was really bright the colours and the rainbow looked really cool....

The end of the Huka Falls... Aint it pretty? The water looked so inviting.. Yet I bet it was as cold as ICE..... hmmm

Smile....

2006-03-17T10:39:00.000Z

Well what can I say... I have recovered from my sickness. Oh it was horrid... Countless nights of throwing up, coughing and headaches.. I have just figured out part of it has to do with my eye sight. I have been straining my eyes when watching tv, chatting on msn (i didnt say that!)
and reading without my glasses. Oh they are so annoying glasses but I guess if you want your sight to see better then I guess you gotta wear the nerdy things.
Well I dunno why I titled this smile... But I know we need alot of it once and a while. The pic really has nothing to represent what I am blabbing on about but the fact that I had this mud mask on... I actually think it makes me look better. hahaha
anyways... Im still in no work which kinda sucks... There is so much plans that I have to put into consideration... But I have my options which is a good thing.
One thing that I have realised is that I am pretty immature at times hahaahaha
But I have only discovered it now hahaha well not really I thought I could blame it all on the OCS (only child syndrome!) But to my surprise I should be out of that by now since I am going to be 24 OH MY WORD!!!! Scary thought aye?
Anyways hope all is well.. Sorry I aint updated in a while...
Love ya loads hope all is well....
Always B xxxx
ps: we have a mega mix style coming up would really appreciate it if ya'll can pray for me and alex in leading it... Should be fun.. We have loads of fun and getting messy games for them...
cya laters...........
ps: can someone tell Brettio and Abs I said hello and that I miss them loads and loads!!!!!
Cheers!!!!
pps: still missing you all as well... I hope things are well for you all in lil ole Horsham...
Hey check out my new babies... They are so cute and funny and great fun... The one on the left (ginger mix) That is "JAZZ" and the brown one is "JEREMY"
Aww how cute aye???

One more thing I thought I might as well add this lil bonus of the sun setting in my town in OTAKI... Me and Alex were on the beach looking for treasures and I captured this amazing sunset... Enjoy... `this was for your Hat! xx :o)`

2006-02-03T03:11:00.000Z

This was at manga something LOL But it was really cool to see the sites.... ( North Island!)

Youth Stay over...

2006-02-03T03:08:00.000Z

Message from us...
Would love it if you can keep us in your prayers as we have this youth stay over next friday on the 10th Feb-11th Feb.. Alex and I are leading a workshop to try and encourage the youth leaders here in my town... Kinda scary but nothing God cant handle aye?
Its been pretty cool hanging out with Alex and just chilling..
We are off to the South Island after this so should be cool...
Um... I dont really know what else to post about...
How is the bomb going? I wanna hear whats happening in Horsham...
Love B xxx
Hey also I need som prayer with this job at a pre-school... I think I am keen but I kinda think that God opened this door for a reason... So thats another thing to prayer for thanks...
Oh yeh and if any of you guys need prayer please say so...
Thanks alot!!!!

Happy Days

2006-01-30T11:00:00.000Z

Well.... What can I say its been great catching up with Sam again. Me,Alex and Sam had a great time.... It was funny and weird but a good weird meeting up with him again.. I have a new digital camera so hopefully I will be able to post some pics on me and whoever else I come across..
Things are starting to come together now. I lead worship at my parents church on Sunday. I was ok.. Alex helped loads which was awesome. So we are trying to get things going there seeing they dont really get right into the worship how some peeps do at kings.. But its been great Alex has been a real support and its cool because we are serving God together which is awesome. We also have had the opportunity to do something like mega mix do so thats looking really cool.... Need loads of prayer for this church I am not to keen on going to but Alex said that its where we should be. So I would appreciate all your prayers. Thanks... :o)
xxx

@ Beach

2006-01-30T10:59:00.000Z

This is well obviously me and Sam on the beach (alex was taking the photo!)
We went to a beach called Waitarere Beach about 25 mins away from my beach because it was low tide today.. But man was it hot!!! It was about 28oc Which was just hot!!
We all had a nap today cause the boys went swimming in the beach (i couldnt go because I got my stitches out today!) :o( so sad but it was cool chilling with the guys...
Oh yeh dont know if Sam wanted me to tell you all but he fell asleep on my tramp and well forgot to wake up and put sunscreen on for that matter and hes pretty pink today (hahaaha!!)
But nah great meeting up.. It seems like old times... But Hat.. We were thinking about ya today.. It was funny because Alex was being um Alex and you know Sam was just cracking it.. I was laughing for ya girl.. And I managed to see a glimpse of you on the webcam.. You look good girl!!
Well gotta love ya and leave ya I am the last person up.. They are all light weights hahaha...
God Bless.
xxx Always Bianca xxx

The Boys

2006-01-30T10:58:00.000Z

This is the lads testing the water before they went in.. It was pretty flat today... But it was lovely!! Alex managed to get bitten today (hahaha!) Wish I was there to witness that awww poor dude.. But hes alright Sez.. Say hello to the family... :o)

2006-01-28T03:53:00.000Z

Hey!! Well This is me in mah house.. I dont know where to start... I really miss Horsham.. I miss everything about it.. From jaffa cakes to kings church.. Although I am having fun catching up with my friend Kess and family. There is no place like Horsham.. Even though I complained at how boring it was. I still miss my mates!!!
The other day I was kinda sad and cried my eyes out because I had missed Brettio, Abs, The Youth (dats u Hat!) Miss our awesome conversations.. It just sucks totally that I am soooooooooooo far away...
Well as some of you guys know I stabbed my hand (haha!) Did it hurt? Yup it sure did.. It was so annoying.. anyways...
Just wanted to write that.. Happy Birthday Brett!! Im thinking about ya on ur day and I hope it all went well at Smith and Western Wished I was there..
Love to everyone..
Ps: Sorry for being so slack at emails and keeping in contact but know that Im thinking about you all!!! Bye for now! xxxxx

Word from Bstyle...

2005-12-30T09:53:00.000Z

Hey England... Whats up? Well... Things are going well here I must say... So much to get use to but its been bliss.. Oh the weather has been absolutely amazing.. I managed to go for a swim yesterday in my aunt's pool.. Was funny because Alex was being a muppet in there and we had too annoying children trying to throw things at us from the up stairs balcony..
Anyhow... we managed to go see abit of the moutains where I live in Otaki.. Which is called the Otaki Gorge... It was fun we managed to play the game knock down ginger (i think thats what Alex called it!) hmmm cant remember but it was fun of course I WON most of the hits (haahaha!!) Oh its the nature pro I am :o)
Hope things are well for you guys.. Finally have a proper computer so I will be trying to update as much as I can...
Love you all so much... Miss you guys but I am loving it here.. I thought about it long and hard when we were looking at the Mountains etc... How much I do love this place.. I totally blocked it out of my mind.. But I am happy I am back and the other thing is there is so much Youth work needed here..
So many youth that are just wasting their life away... I really want to do a new thing here with the youth. Its gna be tricky but hey God is with me and thats all that matters
Always Bstyle!! XxxX
ps: If I dont get a chance to chat to any of you guys have a great New Year!!! Keep Safe and God is going to do great things in Horsham next year.. I will keep you guys in my prayers and I want some updates on how 'The Bomb" is going and what the youth are up to next year with the new Impacters...
Keep Smiling and Shining for Jesus always...

The Wolf...

2005-12-06T20:20:00.000Z

Once upon a time there lived a very old man named Norman that lived near the amazon in the rain forest... He was living in a very small Cottage house that had no Electricity.
Oneday he was washing his clothes in the river near by and he heard the most strangest noise coming from the forest.. It was a sound of a little child crying... He couldnt walk that fast or even that far for that matter so the little old man went into his house and carried on with life...
Late at night when he was sleeping he heard the strange sound again.. It was right outside his window.. The old man couldnt get up because his poor legs were very weak and it was so cold he didnt want to move..
Early in the morning he heard his door open.. He started to panic because he knew he had locked the door that night..
He got up and went towards his shoot gun that he kept in his closet next to his bed.. He started to load it up... As he entered the kitchen it was pitch black and he couldnt see a thing.
As he passed the windows in the kitchen he sore the shadows of the trees swaying and looked like human figures.. The old mans heart began to beat very fast...
He stood there for a minute to see if the sound was still there.. But it disappeared..
Norman sparked the candles up and began to heat some water up for a cup of tea...
A knock on the door went.. "Who could this be?" he said.

It was a little cat... "Aww how cute" It was a nice fluffy cat with lots of white hair and it had black paws and a black strips near his stomach.
"Oh joy" he said.. "I have a friend.."
So the man got out a saucer and put some warm milk for the cat..
He said "His name will be Fred!"
So after Fred licked all the milk up he took Fred into the lounge and Sat on his rocking chair with the cat on his lap and read the cat a story.
After he had finished reading Mr Twidle! He thought he would go and get some wood from the forest for his fire for the night.. He slowly walked out and started to chop some wood up... The Cat jumped near where he was chopping and Norman nearly Chopped the Cat up...
The Cat got such a fright he ran away...
Norman was very sad that his little friend had gone. After he cut the wood he went inside to make a fire.
After supper.. The man nodded of to sleep... Late that night there was another sound coming from outside but this time it was a loud moaning noise. Norman definately woke up immediately and to his surprise it was a very fierce man eating Wolf staring right at him through the kitchen window.. Norman just froze..
He looked straight at the Wolf... slowly reaching for his shot gun he grabbed it and slowly put the bullet into the gun then BANG the gun went and he missed. Norman began to shake all over..
He locked himself in the closet because he was scared the Wolf would come back to kill him.
The next morning..
The little old man died in the closet.
A police man was wondering in the woods and sore the little cottage house.. He thought he might go and see who lived there..
He sore the house look a bit out of the ordinary.. To his surprise as he walked in he could smell the most awful smell. As he went towards the closet.. He opened it and sore a dead wolf in there.. How did the wolf get in there?

All alone in my memory...

2005-11-29T01:16:00.000Z

Stop and Stare at the memories... Its killing me inside the fact that I am leaving but I gotta look at the bright side of it all.. So people have told me time and again...
When someone has figured that out can you show me? Can you?

OH the memories... Its gotta hurt sometimes..

Its so hard.. To say goodbye... 2 Yesterday...

2005-11-28T18:19:00.000Z

What can I say.... Its only 3weeks today until I leave... A bit weird but at the same time exciting... I guess this year has really shown me what I really want in life and what I really care mostly about... Its been awesome staying here in the UK... A big Word up for HORSHAM!!! But New Zealand is where I'm from!!!
It was funny because I had a day off and I was jamming on the Piano with myself and it was awesome because I started to remember all the old songs that I use to sing when I was back in NZ... It was a nice feeling trying to remember all the good times I have had..
I'm actually excited to go home now.. Made me realise and appreciate what I do have in NZ...
1 - my parents even though we have not always seen eye to eye about things their still a big part of my life.....
2 - A new Start.. Spreading my wings more and flying at every opportunity I get...
Thats all I can think about...
NOW I WROTE THIS AGES AGO>>> About a month... But now I am thinking flip what was I on about.. Thats not how I am feeling at the moment. Its not how I want to feel deep down.. In reality it hurts.. It hurts as much as some dieing inside you.....
Yup kinda depressing if you ask me but I'm realising that life takes you on different journeys and this year is kinda coming to its end but something else is going to come up and its gonna be just as good as it was here in the UK... (at least im hoping!)
Ah... Im gna miss it but the memories is all I can ever hold on to... Great memories stay just as much as bad experiences.. They run deep within the soul forever.......

Yup.... Always look on the bright side of life!!!
I guess the Rugby will keep me entertained.. Plus our country is beautiful... As I have heard time and again.. Your life is as good as you make it.... So what I have learnt in the last few months is that my life will not change unless i change my attitude!!! hard advice to take but its true!!!!

Ma te atua e tiaki.. - May the lord guide me...
Yup... Dats it... Its 2am in the morning and Im having a nice relaxing day with my bro... Aint done that in a while... Im looking forward to it.. So I better go to lala land...
Sorry I posted twice... Kinda got my mind on alot of things and my friends is one of them!!

A poem for you....

2005-11-18T13:20:00.000Z

Nice sweet poem from my good friend in the Ukraine.... Hope you enjoy.........

God reaches down to hold your hand, To help our hearts to understand.
Forever near when we believe, In all the help our minds receive.
He's always close in times of need, If we but let him take the lead.
God reaches down in tender love, And lends His peace from there above
He's with us through the longest night; We're in His gentle,caring sight.
He speaks to us in loving tone And shares the moments we are alone.
Life never would be quite the same Without His help through hurt and pain
A part of every day we live, So much of hope and faith to give,
His saving grace lends true renown In love, with God who reaches down.

What people feel...

2005-11-02T08:30:00.000Z

Suicide?

I only say that because I want it to go away.I don't want you to stare at me anymore.I don't want to hear your criticism and remarks anymore.I thought that if I do so, everything will go. But no, in fact, it would hurt even more.I did not think through. Your stares, your criticism, your remarks would only build me.I will be stronger because of you.Suicide? Definitely not.

Now I found this from someone else site and was strongly thinking about how people feel and why.... I really feel for these people because they yet have not felt or have Gods love in their life.. Its so true that people in life get scard by the criticism and nasty words over there lives.. There is hope and I am sure most of you guys that read this know the truth... You are loved and you are accepted by God.. Just was my thoughts today..

Tunbridge wells is going awesome.. We have been meeting God everyday and its been so encouraging.. Challenging but awesome...
Love B xxxx
Oh yeh and I just thought the poem was cool... Because its like yeh I thought about suicide but then thought more about it and your more or less giving up if you did go ahead with it and making those people that hurt you and affected you WIN... As you all know about myself I hate LOSING SO... I wouldnt want to give in to them and let them have the last say... I want to stand strong and say "YEH I BEAT YOUR ASS!" excuse my french but its a great feeling telling Satan to back off because he has no RIGHT in my life or anyone elses... If you are a child of God you have the authority to tell him to get lost!!!
byess....

The wind...

2005-10-26T10:40:00.000+01:00

Everything begins and ends on an island that dances between calmness and turmoil. Here and now on the island of Shabeybey , the still night stretches itself by groaning noises, a flow of spoken whispers, shouting secrets, and by the wind that makes thousands of stars twinkle with a hunger of passion, desire, and oath. This is the wind that takes control over the sea when they are next to the fire so its not to fly within the salt, or when they lean out over the cliffs, wanting to fly out to sea like an angel. A wind that offers this dance of uniqueness on the dampened earth with the name of a woman waiting in vein for her loved one to come back.... Is that possible?

All I can do is sit and stare!

2005-10-25T01:03:00.000+01:00

I hate sitting watching 2 people in love and cannot be in love or confess there love for each other. A bit like romeo and juliet if you ask me.. Has anyone ever been in that situation? When I see this in so many lives around me it really makes me sad because I think that its the most sadest thing when 2 people cannot be together because of so many reasons.
I guess I am a softy deep down but I was just thinking about this couple tonight and realised that they are not even pushing to be together but they are getting on with life.. But deep down would they be hurting? I think I would be.. If knowing you cannot be with the one you love. To hold them and tell them how much they mean to you has gotta hurt.
Love is an amazing feeling. I just thought about how great it is...
Its so cute seeing people in love. Seeing them appreciate each other for what they are is just awesome.. God really did a good thing when he made man and woman to be together... It really excites me..
As I look at how adorable a little bunny or guiney pig it makes me realise how much more amazing it is when God created someone for you.. God is just amazing.. I have always known that but i have been inspired by these 2 people that are close to me and all I can do is stare and see what may or may not be...
I dont want this post to be a gossip one its just my feelings and I want to keep it that way.. For those that think they might know who I am talking about you wont because its between me and myself..
As you all know I love observing most of the time when I want to... But the thing is that you have to be honest about yourselves.. Are you just looking or liking someone because they are cute and u just fancy them and want to like someone. Or is there a potential future ahead with that person.. My advice is dont jump to anything that comes your way... Weigh it out and as much as you dont want me to say.. Be patient because God knows who is good for you. God knows what is best for you.. God knows everything about you and your life.. Never doubt what God has for you its gna be awesome... Well thats me..
One last thing.. Everyone get along and for those that blog.. Try do some positive ones they are always successful.. It keeps people in nice moods!
Always Bstlye XxX

"Help I need somebody!"

2005-10-12T22:26:00.000+01:00

Sometimes people just need a little help.. I always find that we all need help and we sometimes dont want to admit it. I know I sometimes struggle with that fact of knowing I need help but I just want to try doing it myself and hold on to my pride like most people find hard to accept that they have a pride issue.
I was just thinking what a privledge to have someone always there by your side aye? I know God has always been there for me unconditionally. I was listening to 2pacs song "unconditional love" It really made me think that God is always there when I need him, when I need to pour out my heart, when someone close to me has hurt me or when I am stuck with an issue that I cant resolve.
Ah God is awesome and I just wanted to post that...
How do you help someone that needs help but dont want it? The only thing we can do is pray for them. Thats all I have come up with or continue to nag them that they are gna be screwed if they dont (haha!) Gee I love that word anyways.. Im pretty bored at the moment. So much going on mixed feelings about what im gna do when I leave ole Horsham but that is definately another story..
Since Sam posted about The beatles I thought of their song HELP!!! A brilliant song I might add. I seem to not have much to post about these days Its seems as though the weather is getting more miserable and cold that Im beginning to think up depressing and sad ones Look out for them! x bstyle

Thought for today...

2005-09-30T11:03:00.000+01:00

Well... I've just thought about this and I thought I might as well do a post about it. You see its girls again... Man I really hate the fact that girls are so flippin bitchy its not funny.. Im guilty of that big time but come on girls its just so stupid when u think about it. I know we cant always explain why we get moody all the time but to hurt friends when they dont deserve it is just cruel and unfair. I was thinking there were times when I was younger I would be so nasty to people because I was so selfish and wanted my way. That is not the case.. I mean if your a true friend you wouldn't always be selfish and think what do "I" want or what am "I" going to get out of this relationship. So many girls are so insecure and always looking for acceptance anywhere they can get it. Its not fair I mean thats why you see so many girls out there becoming "Sluts" or becoming something they know is not good for them but because some influence of there friends shapes the way they think and the way they see things as comforting in their lives.
We need to be more sensitive to our friends.. Its so sad this culture of today portraits wanting more and more for our own selfishness..
Anyways thats my thought of today. Im not getting at people just something random came in mind and I had to update so that was the first thing that popped in my mind..
Have a nice day and as every other blog says... Friendships are "awesome"
Oh by the way a sweet poem that I tend to give to all my best mates...
I thought I would share with you all..
here it goes....
I thought of you today, and that was nothing new. I thought of you yesterday and the day before that too. It doesnt take a special day to bring you to my mind. Because a day without a thought of you is very hard to find!!! Isnt that cool or what? My friend made that up... Enjoy and pass it on to your friends...
buh byess.... xx

A couple that totally rules...

2005-09-13T16:18:00.000+01:00

Well This is the Famous Hoggs.. Carol and Angus have been apart of my life since January 2005. A great family I might add. Its been a real privledge living with them and getting to know them as a family. If you dont know already these are the parents of Alison and Doug...
Last year I can remember Doug Curties trying to get me sorted with a family to live with for the year of my Impact training.. they offered to take me in for the year. I was shocked that they wanted to take me in since they didnt even know me. But I was excited because I meet them a few times before hand and they seemed like a pretty cool family.. I can say they have treated me like one of their own.. I think since I have left home in the last 3 years Its only been since I have lived with them that I can truly be myself there. I dont have to worry about who I am or anything there because they accept me and love me just as I am. Pretty cool huh?
Let me tell you a bit about them...
Carol is the most sweetest and kindest women I have meet. She always is cherpy in the mornings which is great because she is full of life and always encouraging in the morning.. But I am not a morning person so its hard trying to keep a smile straight in the morning.. But its a laugh and shes real which I really love!
Doug and Ali both are lucky to have such a caring mother that does anything for them.. Shes a star and she always looks out for them, her husband and myself.. Its really cute sometimes the way she says things and the way she does things.. It really reminds me of a little child aww bless! haha...
She always puts others before her and thats just devotion... I mean there have been times when shes been so tired and sick but she always is there for people when they need her.
Pretty awesome huh?
I can say she is a good mentor as well.. Many times we have chatted about life ,concerns, relationships, God and most things.. I have always left with a sense of being encouraged or learnt something that I tend to struggle with. GRACE.. That word again.. She has always been so helpful in that area. That I find hard to accept and show people sometimes but its been great and we have had many laughs about it..

How cute do they look? They are happily married and if you wanna know more about them just ask.. They are very open and honest about everything... Which I get on with.. I like people that are real and what you see is what you get..
I can say it has definately been a blessing to have them in Kings Church because they have such a willingness to help people and such a heart to serve in the Church!!

This is the lovely Angus.. What a dude I must say.. He has a very loving heart and is very devoted to his wife and his children. Getting to know him has been really awesome. In some ways he reminds me of my dad.. Harsh but very fair.. Not to me just from what I have observed I mean if it wasnt for the countless nights of encouragement and time he gave his son Im sure he wouldn't of got such great marks. (Not doubting Dougs ability to do it all!) But yeh he is a very passionate man that loves the Lord with all his heart. Hes so funny too because he has a really funny sense of humour and without doubt he always makes me laugh at the stories he tells me and the things he does... Brilliant!!!
One thing I will always remember about him is hes a night owl like myself and many times when I have gone home late hes always been up.. ah memories...
The thing that I really want to follow from this couple is the way there house is open to anyone. I am a bit like that but I do love my space.. But they have had many people come stay with us and the stories I hear are just amazing.. They truly are living for God as if today was there last day on earth!! What an example to follow.
Another thing is oneday I want to have a marriage that is open like they have and mentor others in there relationship. They are truly in love and I dont want to sound all moshy but they are a great example to follow. I am reminded by Angus and Carol how happy they are as a couple and thats great when you can boast about the godly marriage you have..
Again I want to thank the Hoggs for being there for me when I have been down, seen my tears, hugged me when I needed a Hug, given great advice to me and always been trusting to share my heart with them...
Will always have you guys in my heart!!!
Im totally going to miss living with you guys when I leave England!! But again I just want to say you guys have been the best people I have lived with since I moved away from home. Thanks for always making me feel welcomed and accepted!!
Love always Bianca XxX

Lyrics of the month...

2005-09-13T10:24:00.000+01:00

God give me the strength to get through...
Situations that sometimes get out of hand.
I'll keep my eyes on You...
My dreams may not come true
I may fall on my face
Still my hope is in You...
All I need is the strength to make it through
God strengthen these hands that always hurt You
This mind that wanders and always gets out hand
I'll keep my eyes on You
Like a breath in the fog my memories have disappeared..

Yet another day seems like it's wasted
You don't feel you're any closer to the prize
A dead end job where there's no future
Praying that tomorrow things won't be this way
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won't feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won't last forever
Yet another day, another tired morning
You're catching up to your intentions
You're thinking lie has to be easier than this..
Maybe tomorrow things won't be this way..
Things will get better this I promise you
and I know it wont feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
and I know we can find a way to make it better...

You said there would come a day You would leave
Someday not so far away from here
I'm falling further into Your arms
I'm falling further in love with You
I'll sing to You with all that I am
I'd give my life just to touch Your hand
I' sorry I didnt't believe You when You said that You had to go
I even felt the holes in Your hands
I'm sorry for what I have become

By Spoken...

What will tomorrow bring...

2005-09-12T14:47:00.000+01:00

21 years past by and my cousin is still struggling with his breathing. I say what a dude my cousin Hona is!!! From the day he was born till this day he has lived a very hard and tortured life!!!
Let me tell you a bit about him... He has CF(cystic fibrosis) It is a genetic disease.. - A defective gene causes the body to produce an abnormally thick, sticky mucus that clogs the lungs and leads to life-threatening lung infections. It also harms the pancreas, preventing digestive enzymes from reaching the intestines to help break down and absorb food. What I can say is it is a hell of a disease to put up with.
Not being able to breathe that well must be one of the most annoying and frustrating thing ever. As a child till now he has spent most of his life in the hospital. I think that would of done my head in years ago now.
But he always thought positive and I really respect him for that. At the moment he is in hospital and again the doctors have said that there is nothing more they can do for him.
I am praying for a miracle because it has happened before.
He was suppose to die at the age of 13yrs... 8 yrs down the line hes still living. He also had a double-lung transplant and I think that took alot out of him when he came out of surgery...
It does make me sad and cry inside because I miss him loads and I am here, with the thought of him leaving earth while I am in another country. Oh that is just torture. I know I should have the faith right now but its difficult when something like this comes up.. You are sometimes left with Why? But that is totally a different subject that I wont go into...
On top of that he got Diabetes because of the drugs he had to take. He had to gain more weight because he was a stick to be honest. Its just so much a guy could go through and he has taken it so well... His faith has gotten so much stronger and its by Gods grace that he is still here..
I must say its through him that my faith has kept going because God has been faithful and been there for me when I felt sad and worried about my cousin.
One thing I will always remember is we always hung out on weekends together back in NZ. We went crusin to Wellington,Palmerston North and went to Cinema and did things together. He was always encouraging and when I came back to God at the age of 18..
He always is there for me and just recently when I went back to NZ last year.. I really wanted to go clubbing with my cousins last year.. He said he would come with me so that I would not get into trouble and wanted to make sure that I was looked after.. Aww what a dude he was..
For those that dont know me that well I have always had a problem with Alcohol but he always felt like a strenth to me when I am around him.. He is a bit like Timothy mentioned in the bible.. He always had a good discerment about things that are of this world. He never had the desire to be of the world but always encouraged me to think of the consequences I would face if I went down that road of selfishness..
His sense of humour comes across as very dry and serious in some of the things he does or says.. But its just hilirious.. A number of times his mum would have to tell us to shut up because it wasnt good for him to laugh loads because he would run out of breathe and nearly choke..
He has never had a normal life ever. I do feel for him.. He is such a great guy and he definately deserves to be with someone really special someday. I do hope that he has that chance to settle down with some christian girl...
Thats it really... I love him loads and I can't wait to see where God leads him in the future.. He has a grea testimony to share about living in faith.. I mean relying on God to breathe everyday is a pretty scary thing.. Not knowing what pain you will be going through each day is guts and I definately couldnt go through that.
My cousin Rules... I Love you Couz!
always 'B' xxx

Turn back time....

2005-09-08T22:34:00.000+01:00

Hey I was thinking should I tell people or should I not? But I thought what the heck.. Some of you guys dont know me at all that well.. I think I have briefly told you a bit of my life but for some probably not. The thing is I use to write alot of very depressing and stupid things that only I could probably understand but for those that have been there I am sure you can relate in some way... Here goes nothing...

When I wrote this I was kinda not sure what I wanted. I can say it sounds well cheesy but hey this is my blog and I just wanna throw you stuff that I use to write...

"I feel"

I feel so lonely... I can't escape my fears.. I've held on to the past.. Always ends in tears...
I don't know me.. I feel I ain't complete...
What am I to do? I know I'm safe in you..
Please Lord heal me now...
Change all my ways...

I feel Gods presence... He came and set me free...
He took away the past... replaces all my fears...
I now know me... I feel I am complete..
(I wrote this when I was in America playing on a little kids keyboard)

Extreme...

Everyday is a winedy road.. AS I'm trying to reach my destiny.. my directions slowly disappear and all I can see is my own reflection staring at me. I come to a point where all I can think about is how would I cope if I had no sense of time?
As I look and gaze into the world. Makes me realise why I'm afraid of people. I look at myself in discust, thinking why do I have a life here on this earth.. my thoughts full of sorrow and despair all I wanna do is hang myself on a rope. This was a dream.. I woke up crying and I then knew I was living a lie.. and I didnt know how to escape it..
(wrote this just lying on my bed and had loads on my mind!)
Thoughts...

Who am I lord? Why am I here? I am lost and wounded by my past. I can't escape the pain thats within me. Cleanse my heart, heal my broken life. WHy am I attacked by these demons? Take my soul, take my inner thoughts and capture my selfishness. Let everything around me silence. I wanna hear your voice when you speak to me. Change my ways and let your love pour out on my body. Fill my mind with pure thoughts. Let me stand in awe that you can help and complete me. I wanna feel you touch me and breathe new life through me. Please take all my worries and let me rest in your peace.
(I wrote this when I was upset with my life!)

Letting go...

I want to let go of that love I have for you. Facing reality your not mine and I'm still dealing with that too.
I dont want you in my mind or even in my heart. It's too painful to see and were just gonna go our ways and be apart.
The memories I have of you seem just like yesterday, But thats all it is to me I dont want them to stay.
I thought you were the one and I wasn't gonna settle for less..
I know now waiting for you has put my life in a mess..

(Something I wrote about this guy that I thought I loved but God told me to let it go!!)

Well thats it for now.. I look back man I was pretty screwed up (haha!!) Just want to encourage you if ya ever thinking like that.. Express yourself, give it to God and talk about it with someone you trust.. Because its better to write it, talk about it then bottle it up.
I notice that people that bottle things up pull themselves away from the freedom that God so wants to give you... He is 24/7 open with arms wide to you if you want to chat , cry with, have a pity party with you name it.. God is always just a call away... Take a risk and "Do it" (samwise saying!!)

Laxed out...

2005-09-07T22:37:00.000+01:00

Life must get better than this.. Im thinking right now that every year of my life changes and everything seems more exciting each year goes by. My teen years seem like just a blur but from what I remember I enjoyed it... It almost doesnt count but you know the feeling of knowing what you have now is nothing to comparison of what you once had.
Chilling out with your mates definately strengthens you in so many ways... You might not always agree with them or get them most of the time but they leave some kind of impact in your life that will shape the way you think in years to come..
Good friends that is.. Not many of them around.. Depends where your looking and what your looking for...
Is it someone that you just want to say hi and bye too? or is it something more? How do you define a true friend?
I have just realised how much my friends do mean to me.. Its so important that you actually give em the time that they deserve if they are worth it.. You always know your true m8s... I always thought that I would never diss my mates but in the past I have..
Its not a nice feeling I know that much because Ive been there and felt what it is like to feel like your friendship has meant nothing to them...
So I was thinking of all the friends I have meet in the past 3 years... Totally blows my mind that I have meet some amazing people...
I definately can say in the last 3 years.. The Impact they have had on my life will always remain in my heart.. It was positive memories cant really say that much about some of my life back in NZ... It was really hurtful when I was younger but yay Im out of that now aye!!
My point is.. Dont abandon your friends especially the ones that are always nagging you to go to things that you know quiet well are good for you.. Or friends that are on your case about stuff.. You dont always have to listen to them but just listen and weigh what they are saying is encouraging or not..
You will get some kind of discernment if not then your screwed (haha!) Im kidding..
One thing I will always remember from my mum and that was so funny now that I think of it... She always said to me.. "You hang around dogs you will catch their fleas!" so word up to my mum... Totally true... Be wise in the friends you make... Kakite (goodbye!) XxX

Memories...

2005-09-07T21:57:00.000+01:00

Its been a while since I have blogged. But to be honest I have not had anything to blog about. But I decided when I got back from training in Tunbridge Wells that I really miss the crew that went to the Ukraine especially Susie.. This is one of my mates from America and we got on really well together in the 2 weeks in the Ukraine. Im just missing her and really feeling sad in alot of ways because I will be leaving more friends soon.. It totally sucks but thats life aye? Yup anyways.. To sad to blog at the moment I will leave it at that.. I have some Ukraine pics that hopefully I will put up in due time..

Psalm 61

2005-08-16T15:10:00.000+01:00

To those who find life hard... This is a great verse to check out when everything around you seems to just fail and fall and your left standing, crying out and cant seem to get out of those thoughts of failure and disappointment...

O God, listen to my cry. hear my prayer! from the ends of the earth I will cry to you for help.
For my heart is overwhelmed - Lead me to the rock of safety for you are my safe refuge. Protect me from my enemies where they cannot reach me. Let me live forever in your sanctuary. Safe beneath the shelter of your wings.

GOD BLESS U ALL xxx

20 Guys in Paradise....

2005-07-30T01:29:00.000+01:00

A bus carrying 20 ugly guys on their way to the casino crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.They then get to meet a Geenie and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter a paradise.They're all lined up and Geenie asks the first bloke what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous"and so Geenie snaps his fingers and it is done.The second bloke in line hears this and says
"I want to be gorgeous too".Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.This goes on for a while but when the Geenie is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.When there are only ten guys left, this guy is rolling on the floor holding his stomach & laughing uncontrollably.Finally, Geenie reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.The last guy calms down and says
"Make 'em all ugly again!"

Ukraine here I come....

2005-07-29T15:50:00.000+01:00

Hey guys and gals... This is a pic of the Impact 2005.. Just wanted to let yall see how good it looks.. Taking up a year for God definately has been rewarding this year. I just wanted to say that these guys and gals have been great chillin out with this year. Last time will be together is in the Ukraine. Which I still have mixed feelings about... But I am sure its going to be good. I guess Im not looking forward to the bathroom facilities they may have there. Its all kinda a blur at the moment and we dont really know what we are in for!! Will see aye!! Definately would love your prayers that I dont get sick or have a repeat of sore stomach and head aches...
Also Im going to miss Horsham like mad.. Including certain people awwww... Its going to be torture.. Ah well.... Its only 2 weeks.. Gotta look on the bright side dont I? :o(
Have a great time in Horsham for those that are from there.. Enjoy your holidays those that are on holiday.. Enjoy work, Enjoy church and I will see you all soon..
Oh for those I will see on Sunday hahaha...
Love ya loads... always B xxx

Favourite Cartoons....

2005-07-26T14:25:00.000+01:00

I was blessed with permissive parents. Unlike the more responsible parents of this modern age who monitor what their children watch, mine would let me watch until my eyes bled. And none of it seems to have done me any harm. (Those who know me well are either laughing or shaking their heads in sadness at this point.)

Despite my advanced years, I still love a good, clever cartoon, the more the funny the better they are. And now that I'm 23 I can still watch what I viewed when I was 5 yrs old. I must say the cartoons were much more funnier then and today the cartoons seem to be more and more into the whole technology.. But I don’t at all disagree they are great but they cannot compare to fraggle rock or even Yogi Bear.. What a legend.. Here are some of my collection of legend cartoons…

Teenager Mutan Ninja Turtles
(my favourite turtle!)

Dinosours..
("not the mama!") HAHAHA...

Denver the last Dinosaur
(was a very cute cartoon!)

Well this was the only girly thing I was into when I was 8yrs...
(dont laugh!)

Yogi Bear.. What can I say what a legend cartoon!

The Jetsons
(loved the whole living in space and how cool
they didnt have to cook or clean!)

Fraggle Rock! Loved the living underground!!

Smurfs!! Lala lala la la.... Very Cute!

Taz my man!!! He was so wild and crazy!!!
A splitting image of myself! ha!

Care Bears... How sweet it was once again another girly cartoon
Classic.. Very Funny and It always made me feel better

Pink Panther.. Like the whole entertainment he gave..

Ren 'n' Stimpy. What can I say this was a real laugh
when I had a bad day at school.
It always made me crack up!!

"Just warn me about my Soul"

2005-07-22T11:42:00.000+01:00

And although you know I'm homeless, need shelter from the cold.
Don't give me a coat and bag of food, just warn me about my soul.

Now time is moving swiftly, growing feeble weak and old.
The shelter I need is in His arms; just warn me about my soul.

For if my soul's in danger, that's something I must be told.
Don't fill my plate with food and drink; just warn me about my soul.

You see I'm in an emergency, and sin has taken its toll.
It's spiritual food I need the most; just warn me about my soul.

The thing I need you to feed me, bread of life to make me whole.
My body dies but my spirit lives on; just warn me about my soul.

Don't try to give me money, don't need silver cash or gold.
If you really cared about my fate, you'll warn me about my soul.

You'll tell me I'm spiritually dead, I'm lost under satan's control.
You'll tell me how Jesus died for me; you'll warn me about my soul.

You'll tell me about His love, good news you should never withhold.
Gave up His life just to save mine; you'll warn me about my soul.

You see I'm in spiritual trouble, my life satan easily could have stole.
The one's I'll love when I finally get home; those who warned me about my soul.

For at my day of judgment, I'll stand at eternity's threshold.
I'll enter in as one of the flock; I was warned about my soul.

My life will be everlasting, a splendor that can't be told.
A life I'd never have, if not warned about my soul.

And now I'm a king in heaven; I've finally reached my goal.
The thing I credit to my success, was the warning about my soul.

True Worshipper

2005-07-21T16:37:00.000+01:00

There is 8 ways people have overlooked on what type of worshipper you are.. What are you?

1 Naturalist- Naturalists Draw near to God through nature.

2 Sensate - Sensates draw near to God through the senses.

3 Traditionalist - Traditionalists draw near to God through ritual and symbol.

4 Ascetics - Ascetics draw near to God through solitude and simplicity.

5 Activists - Activists draw near to God through bringing about social change.

6 Caregiver - Caregiver draw near to God through caring and serving others.

7 Enthusiasts - Enthusiasts draw near to God through celebration and mystery.

8 Contemplative - Contemplatives draw near to God through performance, adoration and heartfelt devotion.

Mah Thoughts...

2005-07-20T08:57:00.000+01:00

Man... Im just staring outside this morning... The day seems pretty breezy.. Nice and Calm. But inside me Im feeling really confused. Knowing nothing... whats going to happen next in my day is kinda exciting in a way.. I dunno it seems as if life once again has hit you smack in the face again.
In just 12 days I will be changing again. I really hate change. If only we could just have this perfect, non hurtful life things would be so much easier wouldn't it?
Well I aint having a pity party just speaking out whats on my heart. You know when someone or something has upset you or hurt you.. You find you always come out of it stronger. But at the same time you get softened. I dunno if anyone can relate to that but I know from my experience. I use to be all hard and not show any emotion but now its like.. WOOOO Im crying again... Totally sucks but I am glad in a way.. Girls are so freakn emotional but those that hold it in and block it out dont ever cry.. Trust me when God starts dealing with your past and delivering you from it you will know because you will break down like a baby.
You know at times I wished I was a guy.. I probably need prayer for that but come on.. Guys get it so easy.... Seriously I love the way guys can freely walk around topless.. Lucky boys aye? They dont go through all the emotional things girls go through.. But I wont get into detail cause I know how boys feel about all that.. (so ya see I can be sensitive to ya'll needs!)

Maori Jokes...

2005-07-18T16:08:00.000+01:00

A maori has a hen which, every morning, rain or shine, lays him an egg in his front garden. This is all very well and good until one day, the hen lays the egg in the next door neighbour's garden.
Before the maori can go and get it, a samoan runs out the door and grabs the egg.
The maori yells to the samoan, 'Bro, that's my egg.''How do you figure?' asked the samoan.'It's my hen.''It's my garden.''Tell you what, bro, we'll settle this NZ style. I kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and you kick me in the balls as hard as you can and whoever gets up the quickest wins the egg.
'The samoan thought about this for a minute, looked at his feet, and remembered he was wearing a nice heavy pair of steel-capped boots.
The maori was bare-foot, 'Ok.'The maori takes a run-up and kicks the samoan in the groin with all his might. T
he samoan lies groaning on the ground for about 15 minutes, and then gets up.
'Now it's my turn,' says the samoan, with a smile.
'Nah, bro, you can keep the egg.'

Q) Whats the fastest thing in the world?A) A Maori with a KFC voucher

Q) Whats the second fastest thing in the world?A) The Maori running away from the guy he stole the voucher from

Q) What do u call a Maori that runs around a tree?A) A Maori go round

What is the Maori word for car aerial?
Koatanga (Coat Hanger)

What's the biggest Marae in NZ?
Mt Eden Prison

What do you call 1 pakeha surrounded by 15 maori's?
Coach

What do you call 4 pakehas surrounded by 400 maori's?
Prison Wardens...

Why are Maori noses flat? (aw Sam is dat wot happened to u bro?)
Too much window shopping.

Where do Maori's get they're family portraits done?
From da Speed Camera's

why don't you chuck rocks at a maoris bike?
because it might be yours. hahahahaha funny aye.

Not just anyone...

2005-07-16T19:13:00.000+01:00

Don’t want anyone else’s kisses, or just anyone to hold me But you
Lying awake, don’t want just anyone to talk to
I cant look into someone else’s eyes and get what I get from you
Don’t want someone else to make me laugh
Cant share my life with just anyone
I don’t want to miss just anyone
Because it’s not just anyone that can make me feel so in love
It’s in you that I see my future, my life
Its you that I want
Its you that I love, that makes me feel the way I do
Its you I miss
It’s Your smile, Your love that comforts me when life is the coldest
Not just anyone would know what to say
Not just anyone would understand
I know that sometimes I confuse you
Sometimes I upset you and it’s hard to know where I stand
I don’t want just anyone
Forever and always just anyone wont do
But you
- Amanda Mae

Abortion...

2005-07-16T14:00:00.000+01:00

A mother expressing her feelings after aborting her baby...
I long to hold you in my arms, to see your precious baby charms. Though I know it will never be, your sweet child face I yearn to see. Your fate was sealed so long ago, I made the "choice" to let you go. You're with God and I am here, but one day we'll meet and I'll draw you near. I'll hold you close and hear you say,
"Mama I love you . . . anyway."

OK... This may be disturbing but my heart cries out for this.. As much as I hate abortion.. I have to remind myself how terrible this can be and how gross this looks... I have had loads of my friends and cousins do this and I just dont want that for people I care for and especially for people in this world to face. I always battle with the thought what if you were raped? But from chatting with a friend there have been successful men and women go a long way in life considering there birth was from a rape!! But I was thinking I dont think I would want to know oh i was formed because my mother got raped. A touchy subject but there you go...

It is just sooooo sad how these things happen. Im sorry this is a rather sad and upseting subject to talk about but everytime I think of "abortion" I just cry. I really hate it and Im not sure how people feel or what they feel when they are faced with this decision of killing an innocent child inside your body. Its very hard to come to grips with the whole thing. I dont condemn people who have done it or want to do it.. Only because I have no right to!
Its between them and God and no one else. Personally I would not want to do that if I ever faced that kind of situation but you just wonder how much of a state your in to actually think such a thought!
I always tend to just surf the net and I found some rather disturbing pictures of babies been aborted. Oh the pain I felt for those children.. It was just the most horrid thing I had ever seen..

Why girls dig him....

2005-07-15T15:50:00.000+01:00

Well I had to really think why girls/guys are so attracted to Vin Diesel. He has this manly thing about him and I think the fact that his voice is so deep it really um turns girls on..... haha
I think he is a very muscular, good looking, manly man, funny, got style, looks good in white singlets (oh I dont even wanna start!) and is an actor... You cant complain at all.. I mean he is a dude with a ball head.. What more could you want? haha..
Some people are like put off because he did a kid type movie 'The Pacifier. I thought he done brill in that. Even though he comes across as a ruggered and hard man underneath it all he has a soft spot. All men do.. You just gotta find it!
A fair and funny comment I had found by some vin diesel fans.... - vin is the most amazing actor, producer and writer alive. if he goes any more up the celebrity ladder he will be popping his head outta the clouds. not only is he intellegent but he is equally sexy and as for that voice of his....all he has to do is growl and women will have orgasms!!! Flip now I didnt have to say that.. might be out of order but I bet its not far from the truth!! And I didnt say that!!!
What is your say about him??
I really wanna know what you think of this dude.. I personally think he is a legend.. I can see him going as far as any other actor could go..

Born: 18 July 1967
Birthplace: New York, New York
Best Known As: Star of the sci-fi thriller Pitch Black
Well thats all the facts I have at the moment.. Check out Pitch Black if you have not already seen...

My Best Friend.....

2005-07-14T16:23:00.000+01:00

Ah.. Just was thinking about my best friend Kessid right now.. It is kinda like a blur but at the same time seems like yesterday when we use to walk down the street cracking up laughing at the most stupidist things. I think we have been through alot together. Ive been through more with her than anyone else on this earth.
What can I tell you that will always be close to my heart about her? We use to tell each other everything and I mean everything. There is probably only 3 people in my life that will always know my past and know who I really am and where I have come from and she was the very first I had told. Its not a coisidence of us meeting. Anyways I do miss her loads...
So I was like looking through my book that I tend to write songs, poems, stories and my thoughts.. Was intresting because I came across a poem that I wrote for my best friend before I left to go to the states... Here it is... I have been in a deep and meaningful mood lately.. So sorry this is all deep stuff. I think I cant seem to write things that are funny or wacked.. It totally stuff straight from my heart..

A gentle whisper is all I hear, a soft touch her kindness I feared.
Her loving heart took me as a friend, I knew our friendship would never end.
Her sweet smile is so true and kind, theres no one closer i could find.
Through good and bad times we've shed many tears, but our friendship has grown stronger in the past few years.
You're so precious to me in everyway, your encouragement and support just blows me away.
I'll hold on to the good memories of us when Im away, but do know kess my love for you is here to stay...

Its so true people come and people go. But there is always one that will stick in your heart till the end. Kess is one of em. We still say we are best friends but were not always in contact that often since I moved away from NZ 3 years ago.. I do miss her. I wont deny it but it was different when I went back. Shes married, with a baby and one on the way. We are both at 2 different stages in life. I think will always be close but not as close as I had hoped we would of been.. But people do change. Ive changed loads.
I think sometimes I wish I was 11 again. Didnt know much and life seemed so easy. It was always fun and you didnt have to worry that much of what you done at that age. I Just encourage those that are just reaching ur teens. Enjoy ur life to the full man. Doesnt mean go out and get into the wrong things. Enjoy your friends, enjoy life and go hard. Check this verse out.. It has always stuck to me since I can remember...
" Young people enjoy yourselves while you are young. Do whatever your hearts desire... (here it is...) BUT remember God will Judge you for everything you do..."
Ecclesiastes 11:9
So True.... Be real always and dont be anyone your not.. Your go along way if your real...

Cars....

2005-07-12T16:35:00.000+01:00

"Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying." Jesse, in the 2000 film, Dude, Where's My Car?

Lets think about this.. There is so much great cars out there that just make me get excited and want to just go mad on the road... Ok I know that sounds retarded but hey I think cars are just flippin wicked...... OK these are my best cars Pick whatever one you think is the best... Enjoy...

1......Evo5

2......Chevy Camaro

3......WRX

4......Audi TT

5...Mini Cooper

6......Saleen S7

7......Mazda RX8

I am me.....

2005-07-11T09:11:00.000+01:00

Who am I? What am I here for? Why is there so many questions out there and all you seem to think is I am.......what?
Are you an animal? Are you weird? Are you lonely? What do your friends and family think of you? What do you think about yourself? Why do people hold on to your past? Why are there so many judgemental people out there?
That is the question why do people ask questions?
I cant seem to understand the way humans think. The way we were made and why we were made. People always try and impress others because they want to feel accepted. People are so fake its not funny. I mean come on why laugh at something when it aint even funny. Or smile at someone when you dont even like them.
What is the point of all this.
People lie everyday.. As someone would say "oh you look beautiful today!" But really they are thinking you look like a mole! Or you would have someone say "Oh I think your so cool" When really they think your a loser.
Aint it so annoying when you have someone constantly getting in your business all the time. They say they want to help but really they just want to control you and because their so insecure they want to at least say they are wanted in someway.
People who dont share there problems always seem to loose it in the end but those that do share it tend to get over it in time.(even if its like 20 yrs down the line!)
Why do we have problems? Why do we breath? WHY WHY WHY...
I mean cant people just get on with life and not care what other people think of them? No because it matters to them what people think. This world is full of people who worry.. Worry freaks. They worry what they are going to wear, worry what they eat, worry what they look like, worry what car they drive, worry what friends they hang with. Its pathetic if you ask me. I mean why worry when you really dont have to worry about what others think!!!
Peoples opinions aint going to get your anywhere. Peoples theory about your life aint going to make you happy.. Its not how others think about you its how you think about yourself...

Smile anyone..

2005-06-30T00:05:00.000+01:00

Life does seem so busy at times. We forget to smile for just a while. Appreciating what we have in life. It's not a mystery or a dream why these feelings come and go in our minds. Were all seeking for acceptance and someone to cherish in this lost world. Why is it so hard to find that special person that we all long for? It's fading like raindrops that shatter on the ground.

Chanting Sound...

2005-06-29T23:39:00.000+01:00

I was walking alone in the stillness of the night, fear in my eyes. I was following this chanting sound. I was bruised and in pain. The sharp knifes digging in and out of my body. I was determined to keep following that chant. There were unfamiliar sounds echoing all around me. Warning me to stop! I kept going.
Tears flowing down my face. I was getting weaker and weaker. My eyes were beginning to loose it's sight, my ears where deafend. I came to two paths.
I had to choose what path to take, I went through the one that looked tempting.
Then my heart began to get weak, I was attacked by these demons. I was at my last breath... The chanting sound came and destroyed the demons. He said to me "I am teaching you a lesson follw me and you won't die". I was confussed and cried out to the most holy one. I kept trying to keep myself up while I was searching for the right path. This man came down from the sky. ALl the demons fled and bowed down.. The night became day.. My wounds started to heal, my sight and hearing was back.. He said "Follow me and be aware of everything around you". As soon as he left me to choose where I wanted to go I sore my hand holding on to that rope that was attached to that chanting sound. Once I let it go it disappeared and I could see the Truth.

I wrote this because I was in bondage of Satan's lies and I felt trapped like in a mothers womb and through God allowing me to see the truth I was the set free. We all have things in our life that keep us from seeing his truth. Examine your own life and see if there are things that you need to be set free from...
Written 2002

2005-06-29T14:01:00.000+01:00

Daddy I love you....

2005-06-27T22:32:00.000+01:00

They say the relationship between a father and Daughter is strong and sacred. There is a special bond between a father and daughter similiar to that of a mother with her son.
Your dad is your hero, and who little girls know they can wrap round there little finger.

I was lucky to say that I had and still have a closeness with my father. He has always been there for me no matter what. I cannot believe how tight we are.. All those times he use to come and get me when I was at my low stages in life.
Always correcting me when I was out of line but I always felt love. He always made me feel wanted and accepted. He understood me. Understood what it was like to not feel accepted by the world.

I miss my dad so much.. It hurts sometimes thinking about it. I know this is deep but I think the world of my dad.
I would even die for him thats how much I care about him. He always told me off when I said that because he said he has lived his life and would want me to enjoy life just how he did... I dunno I think I still would die for him if I had ever the chance to...

It is amazing how close we are. There are things that I only wished could happen again but those good days are gone and all I have left now are memories....
I never thought I could of left him when I turned 19... I always cried when I had to say goodbye to him. I hated the fact that I had to move on with life without my dad.. Moving to a different country I swear if I could of choose not to go I would of stayed home with him.
I just feel that I've always wanted to care for him and show him the love he had shown me when I was a kid.
I always had fun going crusing with him in his fast cars... Seeing all the places he use to go when he was younger was intresting. It really excited me because he was sharing his past with me...
We always had loads of laughs because when we use to go places my mum would always moan and moan about his driving. So we use to kick her at the back of the car waited till she went to sleep then he would speed (safely!) and crank up the music until my mum got a headache...
One thing I really love about my dad is he is fearless scared of no human on this earth.. I think I inherited that.. Which Im proud to say I aint scared of anyone.. I mean come on why fear man? Its pointless...
One thing about my dad hes still the same as how he was when I was a kid. Hes still fun, still crazy and yet the only thing that has changed is his age.. He is older but dont act it (which is good at times!)
I love that about my dad he is very devoted and if he likes you then sweet as you will love him.. But I wouldn't want to be his enemy he can be nasty sometimes but dont really mean it..
He is very forgiving too.. A little like me I must say.. I could come across as hard and aggressive about things but deep down Im a softy really..
He really spoit me. Always gave me anything I wanted. Dunno if that was a good thing but it was good at times.. Come on we live in a materialistic world.. I dont need to be spoilt to know that...

You probably think I am crazy talking about my dad like this but hes a dude man.. I dont know much dads that would always leave money on my draw everyday.. The main reason behind that is he didnt want me to ever go and steal... Not that I had to but just in case always made sure I had money.. What can I say I was a spoilt spoilt child that always got her own way.. If my dad had anything to do with it..

This is how spoilt I was.. My dad use to do all my washing.. Clear up after me, clean my car, made my bed, buy my petrol, paid for my car insurance, cooked me separate meals from them.. oh the list goes on.... He's a legend.. Sometimes I didnt deserve any of it but what a Dad aye...

I got the hell hidings from him though but I deserved most of em... hahaha... I put my parents through hell as a teenager but who doesnt? Well ok there are some good teenagers out there that obey their parents.. Good for you!

What use to really get to me was that my dad was judged because he had a past.. everyone always thought "oh what a waste" But my dad actually turned out good in the end. Yeh he may have went to jail and joined a gang but look where hes got to now.. I can say some people are real judgemental back home.. But its only cause half of them are so insecure about themselves they want to pull others down to their own level...

My dad would be probably the most laid back person you will ever meet. He loves giving to people.. If he had his last $20 in his wallet and you wanted it he would give it.. If he knew you needed it. He reads people like a book... so if you were lying about it he would tell you straight to your face and stop telling him bull shit.. (sorry thats his exact words....) Yeh a bit of a guy that talks out of line but hes real and not fake... What you see is what you get....

He is like a big cuddly bear and I really miss him... I got talking to him today and everytime I talk to him I get homesick.. Without fail... I think of just seeing him,looking at my dad and just being in his arms... what a nice feeling that is...

I have always said when I was a kid that no other man would come close to the love I have for my dad.. But I think Im starting to change now which is a good thing aye? Being an only child was hard because who did I fight with most of the time? Yup my Dad and my Mum. But that is only natural..
I think if I had brothers I would probably have had less attention... Im sure if I had a brother he would of been a bit of a pussy because Im totally the opposite and that would be probably funny teasing him and taking the mic out of him.. (hahaha) I laugh till this day because Im positive if my brother lived he would of been a gentle and quiet person..

In a way I am glad I got all the attention but at the same time when things would go missing or broken I always got the blame. Which was so annoying because I couldn't say my bro or sis did it.. It was a nightmare at times because I would always have 2 parents having a go at me for the most stupidist things...

A song I wrote for my dad when I thought he was going to die...

daddy.. you mean the world to me.. All that you've done for me.. I want to thankyou and tell you I'm so grateful... The times when I was bad.. I didnt mean it dad.. You chose to stand by me, even when I was wrong you loved me more..

The night you saved my life.. I felt so cold and gone... you took me in your arms and told me not to cry... The scars he left me,.. the pain i had to face.. You helped me smile again.. I learnt from my mistakes..

daddy.... the years have gone by now.. Im not that little girl.. you held in your arms and sat upon you knee. Gods changed me from a child into a woman now.. but do know daddy. Ill always be your girl...

I was literally in pain last year around february.. My dad had a heart attack and I was beside myself.. I really was down to my lowest I had ever been.. It hit me big time and I was going to be on the first plane home. But I felt Gods peace.. I knew that God was going to look after him.. Once he had that quadruple bypass my dad was better again.. Now and then I always think how he is and hoping he is looking after himself.. But I know that if he did die now.. I would be heart broken but I think in time I would rejoice because I know he will be going to heaven...

I think above all.. 1 of a girls biggest dream is to have a loving father always proud of her and always protective of her. Thats how I feel.. If my world caved in on me just seeing my dad smile at me and tell me its going to be fine. Is just a blessing in its self.. I think a girl needs a dad to love them and appreciate them for being their daughter. We can learn loads from our dads because you can understand a man better once you know your dad really well. I guess every father wants to be able to walk their girl proudly down the aile on her big day..
The thing I love about fathers is they would do anything for their girl.. They are not the perfection of our heavenly father but they have some qualities that represents a loving father.. It will never comprehend to Gods love for us.. But a fathers love is so special in a girls eyes...

Reasons to stop drinking...

2005-06-27T13:49:00.000+01:00

Wiriwiri to ringaringa..

2005-06-27T11:44:00.000+01:00

This is my cousin Tessa.. Whata cuty she is.. For those that know about 'Bro Town' She knows them all off by heart.. Terrible I know but she takes the mic our of it in a big way.. Damn shes funny.. I was just thinking about her today and thought I would blog about her.
Shes so cute the time I was leaving NZ in Jan this year. She was like 'how many sleep are you going to be in the uk for? awww.. Shes just so cute.. When I went back to NZ for christmas she wouldnt let go of my legs she just grabbed around em and would let go.. Me being all ticklish and all.. I couldnt stop laughing..
My mum and dad also called today.. Just got off the phone... Talked for 2 hours.. My dad brought another t.v materialistic guy he is sometimes.. although a bigger screen sounds exciting..
Anyways...
Oneday I will have to give you a glimpse of my crazy funky family.. hahahaha

Summer 04

2005-06-24T14:47:00.000+01:00

This is the lovely Scabs,Muah,Brettio and Cas.. Its always in my head without doubt of how much last year was so much fun... The Past and what a good Past that was.. I just want to say that friends come and go and they tend to be there for you in a short period of time in your life then you grow up, meet new people and slowly all your left with are memories...
True friends are always together each other keeps them in there heart!!
Cherish your friends always....

Skools out and I aint....

2005-06-24T14:13:00.000+01:00

I bet some can relate.. Remember all the times you had to stay back in class and write I must listen to the teacher 100 times?? Anyone.. Come on I am sure there are some out there that experienced that.. I cant be the only one out there that was always seeking for attention and being bad when I was a child..
I guess I loved being so mischief at school because I loved making my friends laugh and I loved laughing at anything... Sounds bad but hey at that age and being an only child you had to get some kind of attention.. To be honest that was how it was at home.. My parents were great but I got most of the attention when I was naughty.. Can't complain I got money after getting hit which I only use to do so I could get some cash... (hahaha) I know thats bad but Im being real and I feel like telling you a bit about my childhood..
I dont want to sound arrogant but I love the bad streak I have in me.. hahaha Its because I like living on the edge a bit.. Not always living by the rules.. Rules are meant to be broken.. Which Im sure I am going to have some comments on how thats so wrong.. Oh well... At the end of the day.. I only have to face one person and that is God aye!!!! YUP...

Cliffs are Amazing....

2005-06-24T14:02:00.000+01:00

Man how beautiful these are? I just love cliffs.. They are so amazing.. So big and So much information when you just stare up from the bottom to staring down and out at the top...

I have always had a fascination since I have been a kid.. Ive never been scared to fall of it either.. I might sound like Im loosing it but its like so floaty looking when u look down...(hahaha) I aint weird.. Just different...
For me its like when the waters are crashing I get all excited inside..
anyways... I just wanted to share that with yall....

You've lost that lovin feeling...

2005-06-24T13:52:00.000+01:00

I thought this picture was really cute.. Found it on a random site. Sometimes people fall in love some people fall out of love.. Made me feel today how awesome it is that people fall in love. If they didnt I'd think there was something wrong with them or they have seriously been hurt by someone they loved.
Love is a strong word and I enjoy talking about it. I always hear people talking about love.. Walking down the road looking at people hold hands, hugging how nice it is to be loved by someone... Im sitting here at working listening to Ronan Keating..
I never really liked that song until this year..
Really weird I must admit I dont warm to that type of music but Ive changed...
If you get a chance listen to that song if you aint heard it.. Its a real love song..
The best bit of the song I like is:
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.. Awww how sloppy and sweet that is..

Summer Breeze...

2005-06-24T13:37:00.000+01:00

AINT I CUTE OR WOT? I miss having a dog.. It was always nice coming home to a happy cherpy Dog wagging his tail while he sees me.. I was just thinking back when I was back in NZ teasing my Dog with the Hose and Chasing him around the house with it.. It was a great feeling.. Man what can I say England weather has been AMAZING!!! I am definately going to remember this summer because its been nothing but sunshine.. Dats it.. Summer breeze makes me feel high... I say that in the safest and innocent way too...

Which Rock Chick are you?

2005-06-24T00:23:00.000+01:00

Which Rock Chick Are You?

Sorry boys... but if you're comfy with your sexual orientation, hey, why not? :)

Satan what a Loser!!!

2005-06-11T13:20:00.000+01:00

He sees your every move. But it doesn't mean you have to be scared. He looks at you in discust but it still aint the truth. He makes you do things you know you shouldn't do. But you dont have to worry about the cost of it all. He is very sly and makes you convinced that what you have done in the past will forever torment and destroy you all the days of your lives on this screwed up world.
He helps you fall for everything around you and disguises things you know are harmful and not wise. Why the hell do we listen? Why wont he leave you alone? He cant leave you or else your life will be too easy.. He wants to slowly convince you that life sucks and your just going to die and thats it.. He will always try and destroy you if you aint strong enough to take him on.
We all somehow give in to the temptations he puts before us.
Why dont we tell him to shut the hell up? We aint strong enough. Doing things in our own strength wont get us anywhere.
We will realise if we do it just in our power that we once again are sitting back in that same hole as we started. Its time to rise and put on your armour. We are all in a battle at the moment and till the day we die and part from our bodies we will always be faced with hard obstacles. It is going to be a test weather you are going to fall for them hard on your ass or your going to kick his ass....

Why cant he see the Truth?

2005-06-04T12:14:00.000+01:00

Man I am just Torn at the moment. Someone so close to me yet so far has completely gone of the rail big time. I really am sad and feel for him. I cannot believe how much we tend to listen to the lies of satan. I really hate him aye. Hes destroyed sooooooo many people in my life and I am like soo pissed excuse my language because we always tend to listen to his stupid lies!!!! always..
The thing I am so gutted about most is that this guy has so much potential.. One of the best musicians I have seen.. So passionate, and Drugs has ahold of him now.
I just reciently chatted with him about a month ago and he lied to me. I dont understand people how they say things are fine and yet there not. Its so frustating because you want to help but if they dont want help you can't help them.. You just wanna like slap them silly and make them realise they are making the most worst decision..
Oh man the stories I have heard are just too hard to even think that he has done half the things. His family, friends everyone has turned against him (in his eyes) and hes just lost and wants to find people to accept him.
It sucks being in England because im like wanting to show my motherness and help him but I cant. He wont listen to anyone and there was one time where he use to listen to me.. Those days are gone..
I really dont know what to say but just that im pretty bummed at the moment.
When the world was out to get me and I felt no one cared about me when I went through something like that he was always there for me. I just want him to know that I will always be there for him.
But its flippin hard when its someone that is very stubborn in his ways and very strong minded..
Anyone got any advice on trying to help this dude Id be happy to hear.. I know all I can do is pray but I want to some how get him chatting to someone in nz about how hes feeling and why he is doing drugs.. cheers..

GsusLive Bus....

2005-05-19T00:09:00.000+01:00

Ah what can I say we did this a week ago.. GsusLive Bus it was wicked... The whole setup has been produced in a high tech and most intresting way I have ever seen to display scenarios that link to God and how God can allow you to deal with Forgiveness,Rejection and Fear.. Im just proud cause we got to be apart of it and even lead bits of the session.. If you ever get a chance to actually see how it works trust me you will be impressed!! If you want to go have a look at some of the stuff we were showing the children at Tan Bridge school... go to this link and have a look... It aint as good as the real thing but at least you get a taste of it...

2005-05-18T23:37:00.000+01:00

Aww gotta love being cheeky.. Its something that most people think im good at but I dont really think so... Its just a laugh really.. Im sure everyone has a cheeky side to em.. I think one reason I find amusing about being cheeky is that people dont really know what ur thinking and you can be all mysterious about things! LOL Thats the best thing about being cheeky i reckon.. Another thing is it makes some people parnoid (Ask Brett! LOL) Not that its a good thing but its funny...

Random Stuff 2 Read....

2005-05-18T23:22:00.000+01:00

Man I had such a wicked day today... Seriously.. I made a shed today LOL cant be bad aye? I didnt know I had it in me (well i did really without being to arrogant! LOL) The feeling of finishing such a project made my day :) Girls can pretty much do anything if they put their mind to it!!! GIRL POWER I SAY!!!
Nah it was really cool. I dont have bezar or intresting things to post about because my life is aint that grand at the moment but I can share with you whats been going on in my life this week. (ohh aint that shibby LOL)
I've been helping out with this Horsham lets go week.. Which has been totally wicked.. First project was at Robert Southwell Primary School.. I got to build some steps with the lovely Dave Rowe.. Was kinda a mission I must say but we got it perfect towards the end... LOL And who said u had to be a pro to do that sort of job?
Working outside you cant ask for more can ya? I mean working in a office all day does my head in. I am sure Sammy will agree with me on that one!!! I was chatting to Philly today and he felt the same. Are we in the right job? hmmm lol well at the moment we are aye..
Being outside today has been amazing.. I could say it was better than being wasted LOL But we wont go there aye!!! Man its good to be alive and kicking... LOL I ve been in the most random moods lately. I Completely feel off my head sometimes but im laughing at all most anything and it aint even funny really... Cant complain really... Im all smiles at the moment.. Until someone P's me off!!! LOL
Oh another thing fllippin got brown today!!! As if I aint brown enough!! I really love the sun but I really hate getting darker.... It drives me insane.. But to those that are white I bet they are pretty jealous LOL Im actually glad I dont have to go to those tanning places tho... If its gonna be nice all this week.. U know where I'll be..... Hiding in the shade... LOL
Well I think I've rambled enough catcha on da rebounds...
adios dudes...
Oh yeh... The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!!!! Can anyone guess who sings that song?? ;o)

Test yourself for Music addiction....

2005-04-30T14:36:00.000+01:00

Playing music seems to have become our "drug of choice". In case you are wondering if you have a music dependency problem, you might want to take the following self-test.
What are the signs of Musicolism?
Here is a self-test to gelp you review the rold music plays in your life. These questions incorporate many of the common symptoms of musicolism.
1. Do you ever indulge heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?
2. Can you handle more music now than when you first started to play?
3. Does your spouse or significan other resent your music?
4. When playing with other people, do you try to get a few extra licks?
5. Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable when music is not available?
6. Are you in more of a hurry to get your first tune of the day than you used to be?
7. Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your music?
8. Has a family member or close friend ever expressed concern or complained about your playing?
9. Do you avoid parties or gatherings where you can't play music?
10. Do you sometimes have memory blackouts about tune names?
11. Do you often want to continue playing after your friends say they've had enough?
12. DO you ever find yourself spending money on music that was budgeted for something else?
13. Do you usually have a reason for occasions when you play heavily?
14. Have you tried switching instruments or changing styles to control your music habit?
15. Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your playing?
16. Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you're playing?
17. Do you think about music while you're at work?
18. Does your involvement in music create financial work,school and/or family problems?
19. Do you eat very little or irregulary while you are playing music?
20. Do you wake up in the morning with a tune in your head or thinking about the next opportunity to play music?
21. Do you sometimes attend events where you play music continuously for several days at a time?
22. After periods of playing music do you sometimes hear tunes although no one is playing?
23. Do you keep hidden instruments at home or work?
24. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your music?
25. Do you ever feel depressed or anxious, before, during or after periods of heavy music indulgence?

A "yes" answer indicated you may be at greater rist for musicolism. More than one "yes" answer may indicate the presence of a music-related problem or musicolism, and the need for consultation with musicolism professional..

Yup I think music affects every human being today... What are you thoughts on this???

No where to Run....

2005-04-30T13:15:00.000+01:00

Have you ever been in a position where you have absolutely no where to run or go? In this sense I kinda am in a situation where all I can do is just sit and stare at what lies ahead of me.. I dunno if anyone has ever felt this but like when you see things as you dont want to see them... It gives you the impression that all you can do is just stare and be silent.LOL I dunno if I am making any sense but I have had numerous amount of peeps come to me and tell me they are stuck in so many ways about how people dont actually get the message when you kinda hint to them that your not intrested.. or when someone cant say to their mates.. We need some breathing space... LOL It is a issue and how do we sort it out? Would love your advice I can give em.. I was thinking just be straight with them but in a nice and gracious way! How do you do that? Hmmm... I wonder aye?

Communcation Problems....

2005-04-30T12:51:00.000+01:00

Ah this is one of my favourite Fawlty Towers and thought Id just randomly share some of the scripts with ya.. LOL There are more but I thought i wouldnt over-whelm you guys.... Enjoy!!!
A troublesome guess causes problems when she refuses to turn her hearing-aid on. Meanwhile Basil frantically tries to hide a win from the races from Sybill.

Mrs Richards: Now, I've reserved a very quiet room, with a bath and a sea view. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please be sure I have it.
Manuel: Que?
Mrs Richards: K?
Manuel: Si.
Mrs Richards: C?
Manuel: No. Que, "what."
Mrs Richards: K. Watt?
Manuel: Si: que, "what."
Mrs Richards: C.K. Watt? Is he the manager?
Manuel: Ah! Manajer! Mr. Fawlty
Mrs Richards: This man is telling me the manager is a C.K Watt, aged forty.
Manuel: No, Fawlty.
Mrs Richards: Faulty? Why? What's wrong with him?

Mrs Richards: When I pay for a view I expect to see something more intresting than that!
Basil: That is Torquay, Madam.
Mrs Richards: Well, it's not good enough.
Basil: Well, may I ask what you were hoping to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom-window?
Sidney Opera House perharps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest? sweeping majestically?
Mrs Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs Richards: You call that a view?
Basil: Well perhaps you should consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea, preferably in it.

Mrs Richards: I shall expect a reduction.
Basil: Why? Because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
Basil: No, the radio works You don't.
Mrs Richards: What?
Basil: I'll see if I can fix it, you scabby old bat.
[He turns the radio on to the limit.]

See ya!

Otaki Beach Baby....

2005-04-30T12:42:00.000+01:00

Hey guys... This is where I am from 'Otaki' Beach... Its a nice beach.. I use to come here all the time and just walk up and down our beach just to clear my mind... I must say its really the place to be when you just want some time out from traffic,family, whatever it may be... I wrote alot of poems and songs just sitting on this beach..LOL A great past time definately... We all have places we go to just to chill aye? yeh I was thinking about it this morning as I was sleeping. I had a rather disturbing dream about a big massive wave sweep across my house LOL anyways I wont go there.. Sometimes you just need to take time out and just be still for just a moment.. Ah the joys of being free aye? LOL I've been well lazy trying to keep up with the blogs. Its not working but I will eventually get there aye? Yup...

Waaas up Kiwi??

2005-04-24T04:19:00.000+01:00

The "kiwi" is a flightless bird native to New Zealand... (New Zealanders also like to call themselves "Kiwis" LOL)
Weird or what?
The Kiwi bird is unusial in at least two respects.. First, it is the only bird in the world that has its nostrels at the end of its beak LOL. Second, the female kiwi has the largest egg, in proportion to its body size, or any bird in the world. Kiwis are about the same size as chickens, but their eggs are almost as big as those of ostriches!

I think its a rather fascinating word kiwi.. To be honest I love been called a kiwi.. I think us New Zealanders are very unique LOL and The thing is kiwis are alot laid back just like the kiwi birds...
Another fact is that Kiwis only come out at night LOL So that explains all the late nights I think LOL....
Well thats it for me..

Whats love got to do with it?

2005-04-23T18:06:00.000+01:00

Love.... what a word aye? I think at least some point in peoples lives will experience real love. It is a strong word and I believe everyone should experience love and have a special someone in their lives.

What do you think Love is? I think it is something so special that no one can take away and no matter what anyone says its still gonna be there.

I woke up this morning appreciating all the people I have in my life. All the family and friends I have relations with.. It was like 'Yeh Baby' I have some wicked mates that I really love and will cherish always (including my b/f LOL)

To be honest.. I like the feeling of loving someone.. Knowing that each day you want to do something special for someone is a great feeling? Well it is for me LOL Im sounding sloppy I know but hey.... if you love someone u wanna show em and tell em aye?

I think Love is a big issue in all our lives. If you wanna know real love.. God is the answer... His love is amazing.. It never changes and to feel loved by someone so great and powerful will change your life forever.. I didnt understand Love until I reached out to God and accepted his unconditional love..

If you have people on your hearts or know you should even just tell them how much you care and love em.... Make that effort... I'm sure you will brighten up their day....

LOL Just thought about it now... I sound wacked but its all true LOL byeeessssssss

Abs and Me

2005-04-22T11:49:00.000+01:00

What a Star.... Dis is Abby!
My first mate I met when I came to Horsham..... Aint she beautiful? Yup she is.. Just wanted to say she has been a wicked mate.. We had great times last year with staying up late chatn on the trampoline til like 4 am!!! We had this group which I'll probably blog later on about... But for now Im just gna tell u about Abs...
The things I always will remember about her is MIRROR,CAMERA!! LOL Let me tell you she is a natural when it comes to taking photos.. LOL you can probably already see.. Also if you ever get to meet her gotta see how well organised she is (especially in her room! LOL)

Bak n Kiwiland...

2005-04-22T11:14:00.000+01:00

Waikanae for a meal with my family & Friends....

Well this was me back in my surroundings again.. It was kinda weird being back home after 2 years.. I felt out of place and it was a nasty feeling... My cousins, friends and family had all changed.. It took at least 2 weeks before I realised "Hey I do belong here!" weird feeling I must say...
Everyone seems to be getting older and thats kinda freaky aye? LOL I dunno I think it is... I'm like 2 years away from being half of 50 and that is like ancient to me LOL... Poor me.. Im moving on as they would say!!

I've been back in lil ole Horsham for nearly 4 months and its been pretty good... Im glad that things are starting to fall into place with the work dat me and Sam are doing.. It is fun I must say working along side a kiwi... He definately reminds me of home... The things he comes out with and the things he does is hilirious...

I always think man I dont want this to ever end.. I like the feeling of making a difference in someones world even if it aint my own... The time and effort Sam and I put into the youth will always be memorable.. I consider myself being lucky (if that is a word!) meeting Sam.. Your a dude bro and u always will be LOL... I love you really.. Just get more sleep!!! :o)

I dunno what I'm going to be doing next year.... Its all blurry at the moment.. Should I follow what my heart says? or should I ask for other peoples opinions? Confussed? YUP!!... Where will my life be lead to after this year? Who knows... I'll just have to wait in anticipation and see what the out come of it all is aye?

Well the reason I choose barefootmaorinstlye for my blog site is because of Sam... LOL He always takes the mic out of me because Im maori but hey I dont care.. I am truly one through and through hahaha..... Im proud and i must admit I do walk around the offices in bare feet most days nothing like good ole freedom... anyways.......

I'll try keep this up.. Im actually enjoying having a tutu (play) on this blog thing... I'd rather pass time doing this then chatn on MSN... That is another topic.. Oh just got an idea on my next Blog.. LOL

Later dudes.....

My first Blog! u gotta be impressed LOL

2005-04-21T12:52:00.000+01:00

Heya howzit?

Well.........I was inspired by Sam to get my own blog site.. I dunno how Im gonna go on this cause I cant even keep up with my assignments so will see aye? Must say its coming up 4 months soon being in the impact team. Its been fun, very challenging and Im learning alot. Well dats it for now..

*****Bstyle*****